So today I tried reading a Romance Novel.
FYI, I’m not sure I’m the intended market. I don’t really like most of the clichés present in many mainstream het romances, and I _really_ don’t identify with chicks who put super big effort into clothes and make-up and can never have enough shoes. What I tend to identify with are guys or kick-ass girls who have a well-rounded personality and more interesting things to worry about than their nails. And that is one of the reasons why I never really saw the point of romance novels: Too much heteronormativity, “I will save you my sweet little potato and also be an old man” “Oohh, Mr Darcy! I’ll swoon in your arms and just let you do everything, ever, because I am a naïve little thing who’s goal in life is finding a man!” also not enough stuff going on. I realize that’s not all romance novels, and that there are probably books that could appeal to me, I guess? Either way, I’m just not that high on the romance-stuff.
So last week I decided to experiment, as a book that may possibly have a minuscule chance of suiting my tastes had been recommended to me: Girl joins the navy to fight and have adventures, oh and there is a boyfriend involved. Somehow. Now, normally I like naval adventure novels and stuff that was originally printed in “Boy’s Own”, so maybe I’d try and give it a go.
The book starts out pretty OK. She decides to try and take some charge on this here boat by fighting the local bully, which is awesome of her and actually kinda funny so go her. Then she goes out on a secret mission with her BF which is kinda lacking in the adventure dept, pretty OK but not super-exciting. And then they fuck, and it’s pretty much downhill from there.
The girl does jack shit. She lies there. The dude focuses on her, as does most of the text. She seems to like it, I guess, but she does absolutely jack shit, except for maybe talk and hold onto his hair. That is so boring I can’t even. It’s like a hentai game only the chick cries less and the dude actually wants her to feel good, and the dialogue is less shit. Also, the camera seems to still be on the chick for whatever reason, with the hero going on about how sweet and soft she is.
Oh, and her nipples are apparently the colour of “the inside of a seashell” for whatever reason. That shit is not important, it is boring yo. It also makes seashells seem sexy, which is really strange considering I have a jar of them in my room that I picked when I was like 8 and they smell really weird. Not a nice mental image. What colour were his nipples? The book never tellsus that. Eh, probably something like “red algae”, because that also smells weird and is not sexy at all. Also using the word ‘mons’ for describing the part between a woman’s legs is accurate, and probably v. sexy to the classy old ladies reading this shit, but it just reminds me of Pokemon which is more funny and innocent and childish fun-fun-fun rather than sexy. Y’see, the actual term before it was shortened is “venus mons”, and now you won’t ever be able to pick the grass starter again. You’re welcome.
This is supposed to be for straight chicks, rite? I don’t really give a shit about what the hero thinks of the heroine in the nude. Can we see the dude naked, please? But noooo, all the book gives us is that his hair and body are apparently dark. Hop skip the end. Great. At least this dude is reasonably young, as opposed to most heroes in this shite who keep being on the wrong side of thirty.
The prose is ridiculously purple. “burying himself inside her scalding heat” sounds really stupid. It sounds like she’s going to burn his dick off, which there is probably a market for, but just being said like that sounds like an instant boner-kill, because the writer didn’t even bother to try and make the dick-burning sexy.
The hero keeps going “ZOMG can’t control myself around her aaaaaaa” Ewww that’s just predatory and stalker-ish, not to mention insulting to dudes everywhere. And how come she gets to control herself? She’s got a guy who seems to be her type running around. This is supposed to be written for chicks, so why can’t the chicks want stuff as much as dudes do? Fuck this double standard.
Also, HE’S HER COMMANDING OFFICER.
I know there’s a lot of fetishization going on here, and I fully support fetishization of historical naval officers, but come on! He has no moral dilemma whatsoever about the fact that she’s his subordinate. If anything, shouldn’t some hesitation yield at least a liiiitle bit of angst? But no, when he does feel guilty it’s because she’s his friends little sister. And that’s a dilemma, ya’ll. And if that doesn’t make it horrible enough, we get this gem:
“Just because we fucked doesn’t mean I’m not your superior”
Excellent credentials right there, bro.
Well at least the chick does have a nice moment when the dude is going: “I love you but I want to protect you so please leave the navy” And she’s all “No fuck that shit I like having adventures and doing stuff” You go, heroine! The boyfriend then just goes oooon about how he wants to protect her, despite her going “No no, my own battles dude”. In the beginning it’s kinda OK since Regency and also she is a girl, but you’d think he’d learn to realize that she’s strong on her own and admire her for it and also let her do stuff. LOLNOPE he decides to take extra responsibility for her well-being, despite going “us fucking don’t change nothing bro”. My gosh, this asshole.
Then she gets a wound on her face, so naturally, he tells on her. Well OK she was really stupid NOT to go to the surgeon when she could have just kept her shirt on, but it was a bloody face wound, FFS. And the worst part isn’t that she gets barred from the navy, which is really, really, really sad and ultimately makes a tragedy of this book. No, the worst thing that could possibly happen to her, is a large scar on her face: She is now ruined! Forever!
Granted, this is the Regency, when women were meant to be pretty, but you’d think she’d have a hobby or ambitions or something but nope, scarred for life=Life ruined.
Eventually she meets a nice girl who she has very nice chemistry with and would make a cute regency couple with because d’aaaaw, but then the dude who left her hanging for like six months or so comes back and marries her and it’s OK because he has a ship. And he comes onto her like super creepy by first taking her aside so that everyone will think they’re dating, meaning that they have to be fucking, then he tells her “everyone knows you and I are in love except for you” Which is just creepy. And controlling. Ewww. Seriously girl, just fetch your pants and leave already.
Basically, all stupid het cliches rolled into one: Creepy domineering dude who thinks he knows what’s best for the female main character, female lead who is tough on her own but gets mollycoddled by people around her. Ugh.
I’m going back to reading my Hornblower novels, see ya.
Use this one, :) All you need is some version of Java and a tablet, ^^ I’m free until the 31st, want to book a time?
I have got to pick up this comic. Though I am kinda dissapointed by the hairstyle, the adorable bangs kinda make up for it.
When the girls dress like the boys x white tie and tails VIII. Marlene Dietrich understood men’s clothes better than most men. And style wise she was far ahead of her time. In a time in which women were more or less stuck to skirts and dresses, she started raiding the male wardrobe to add to her collection of dresses and gowns. She had her men’s tailors, shirtmakers and cobblers (she frequented quite a few) make her suits, blazers, sports coats, shirts and custom made trousers. But only Knize in Vienna and Eddie Schmidt in Hollywood made her many tails. Fun trivia: Dietrich’s starched shirt cuffs were directly attached with a hidden buttoned fastening in the sleeve of her dress suits. So she wore sleeveless shirts with her tailcoat, that allowed for quick costume changes and slimmer, more feminely cut jacket sleeves. And while costume jewelry was always worn with stage costumes, for Marlene’s favorite white tie and tails, the cuff links were always her own- from Cartier, Van Cleef & Arpels or Trabert & Hoeffer.
Remember Montparnasse, the murderous young dandy?
Turns out the book has some implication that he may be dating Eponine(at the least she seems to be friends with him).
He’s supposed to be tickling her but idk how well that came across.
Les Miserables: The Donald Duck Edition
Yes, this does indeed exist. More information on the phenomena of Italien Donald Duck cartoons cann be found in my previous post. Anyway: Les Duckerables, people. The plot turns into a treasure hunt where the original story had barricades. Whoever drew it clearly read the book instead of depending on the musical, and the reference to the Les Mis TV series may date it to the 1980’s. Either way, Les Duckerables folks.
When I was a child, I got my Disney fix from what best translates to “Walt Disney Pocket”, meaning pocket-size volumes of Italian-originated Walt Disney comics. These were mass-produced, to a point where “throw it in, the kids won’t mind” reached a point of silver-age insanity. Off the top of my head I can recall an adventure where Uncle Scrooge, feeling overstressed, was advised by Gyro Gearloose to take a vacation. He was then put into a machine that sent him into the pasta dimension where he would feel better simply by virtue of eating lots of pasta.
Then there were the ”Donald Duck versions”.
Those parodies were proof of the fact that anything could be turned into a family friendly adventure starring Donald Duck and co. Among my favourites were Casablanca(Starring Mickey Boghart and Minnie Garbo), The Transformation(after Kafka), and- (Brace yourselves) The Sorrows Of Young Donald(After Goethe). The fact that most of them are based on distinctly family-unfriendly material makes them hilarious by merely existing.
Now, I did not expect to find any of this in english. But for some reason, someone found it fit to release hardcover copies of some literary parodies.
Yes, I shall be going through some of them. Stay tuned.
Redarted: “you sound so happy”
Means it’s for stuff tha ain’t eastern, like western movies and stuff.
's fine, :D The blog on my name isn't my primary blog, that one lies here: susannahisstillalive(dot)tumblr(dot)com. It's mostly manga now, seeing as I ain't had much time for movies lately.
K-9 and dalek-shaped pasta is the best pasta.